#8: I’m Back!! And I’m Still in a Whirlwind of WTF.

Not that anyone reads this so I’m unsure why I’m making a big deal about me being “back”. But I am, anywho. I’ve let this blog go stagnant because of a) a realisation I didn’t know what/who I’m writing this for, b) I end up getting distracted by a trillion different things and procrastinate to no end and c) worries about distanced family members reading it.

BUT I realised, all those reasons mean zilch. I can write this for myself, for others, for people who just want a moment of ‘OMG! Somebody else experiences XYZ’. I was actually inspired by a kind soul on Twitter who suggested I continue.

So, what’s happening in my hurricane-head?
– My best friend, my doggo, E, had to be put down on the 31st Jan
-My Grandfather is dying, any day now
-Lots of confusions and complications with my sister now working away from home and so lots of 4:30am wake ups and babysitting.
-COVID-19 is disrupting absolutely everything.
-My drinking and drug use is an ongoing battle, as is self-harm and resisting my eating disorder.
-Many triggers from being around certain family members/huge PTSD triggers and rows and just general family dysfunction

I could go on but I think a few bullet points are depressing enough. I am managing. Managing, existing, surviving, crawling on through the tar. But I’m struggling, if you want me to put it plainly. It’s a struggle to get up in the mornings, to wash my face, to clean my teeth, to update diary cards and do therapy homework. It’s all a struggle. Eating without the assistance of the munchies is a struggle.
Struggle, struggle, struggle, struggle.

I am trying to keep a focus on the positives, to catch myself when I’m catastrophising and think to myself ‘Hey, you, you’re doing a shit tonne better than you think you are.’ I’m making lists and attending therapy, and sleeping well (besides cyclical PTSD-prompted nightmares), I’m spending time with family, I’m writing and collaging and painting and singing and recording and keeping the safety of creativity with me. I know, if I kiss logic for a bit, that I am still doing very well and I should remain proud of myself – this is just a blip triggered by a great deal of grief, sorrow, abuse and sadness.

I’ve, unusually for me, recently got into shoplifting. It’s always been something I’ve dipped in and out of – I seem to have a good method and mildly innocent features/actions. It only dawned on me that it may be getting a little too much when I realised every piece of jewellery I’m wearing (and I’m wearing a lot) was stolen. I also nicked a plush turtle toy from a hospital cafe today – yay for morals. Hey ho, It’s better than some of my destructive coping mechanisms that are so well-worn that they’re pilled, leathery with wear and fraying at the loose hems. I work in a fabric shop, so sue me for the metaphor.

Buy this beautiful book immediately if you haven’t already!

I suppose it’s fitting to end on plans and positives. I have managed one sober day a week for a fortnight – not good, but it’s something. I’m now limiting my weed to once a week and making it stretch further. I’m showering, cleaning my teeth, leaving the house, going to group, attending appointments, eating, sleeping, not doing utterly dumb things, I’m 8 months cutting free. I have some semblance of a life starting down here, here where I was a young child and felt so stranded yet now it feels safe. It’s interesting how we adjust to everything – even if it takes 90 years.

I have plans, goals, aims. I am trying. Trying is something. It may feel like trying to reach the surface of the ocean with breeze blocks strapped to your diminutive legs but I’m trying. Coronavirus is making life challenging – therapy is going to be cancelled, my 1-2-1’s are cancelled, everybody is self-isolating , my whole family here have to self-isolate for 14 days. The whole world is going bananas.

Life is a mess, I’m still trying, that’s all.

Stay well, folks :)))

xoxo, L

Published by lvpape

I am a sleepy writer who loves to write poetry and short fiction. I also freelance as a music and medical journalist. I’m currently working on my first novel and it’s my baby. Besides writing I sing, play the uke, guitar and saxophone and love performing both my writing and singing. I am a major horror film buff and love reviewing them. “I exist as I am, that is enough” - Walt Whitman.

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