3: The First Step is Bloody Scary (plus a ramble about binge eating..ya know, cause I’m all about the fun stuff).

So, my CPN thinks i’m ready to take the plunge. Having seen her every week/fortnight for 9 months we’re stepping it back to once a month. Eeeeek. I’m very happy that she thinks I’m stable enough, level enough, prepared enough to lessen the support. I mean I do have a million other weekly support stuff so it’s not like i’m alone in this. Just an interesting step.

I spent today (after back to back therapy) doing predominantly nothing but eating chocolate digestives and watching inane tele. I find it hard to have a day off, to let myself rest/recharge – my brain has the delightful tendency to spend the time I should be resting telling me all the things I SHOULD be doing. Ugh. Anywho then came dinner then came dairy milk. My stomach is ripe for bursting. It’s okay for now (ish, feeling too full is a big trigger for me) but tomorrow morning I’ll wake up, see the dirty plate with the guilty crumbs on it and bam It’s anxiety attack city centre. I have gained a substantial amount of weight over the past year or so – a mixture of munchies, medication side effects and a hearty plunge into alcoholism relapse. And I am trying to get used to this new body, this unfamiliar house I find myself in, but when I binge (food replacing drink/drugs, especially at night when I would of got smashed, it’s all addiction at the end of the day – right) I feel so ashamed and it brings up years of eating disorders urges and behaviours. Ugh just another thing to get a handle on. My therapist is trying to stop my preoccupation with “food, weight and shame” (sometimes she talks like a textbook) by advising me to e.g: no longer ask my dad for reassurance about how I look, try to avoid full length mirrors etc. I am trying, I’m managing to resist purging but it doesn’t mean it’s comfortable.

Side note: I just cut my own fringe, as usual, and it’s now far too short and I look like a five year old.

Life 1, Me 0.

Published by lvpape

I am a sleepy writer who loves to write poetry and short fiction. I also freelance as a music and medical journalist. I’m currently working on my first novel and it’s my baby. Besides writing I sing, play the uke, guitar and saxophone and love performing both my writing and singing. I am a major horror film buff and love reviewing them. “I exist as I am, that is enough” - Walt Whitman.

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